Faith; Gender; Happiness: An open letter to my Latter-day Saint friends and family.

Mainstream conversations about the Church’s position on LGBTQIA+ issues seem to ask every question except the one that actually matters — this one:

9 min readApr 6, 2020

Most of us in or close to the restored Church of Jesus Christ have been deeply affected by issues of same-sex attraction (SSA), gender dysphoria, and the LGB+ community:

We have wrestled with doctrine, and sometimes with doubt, as we’ve struggled personally with these realities, or watched family members and friends struggle;
We’ve wept with some as they’ve broken the commitments of their faith;
We’ve wept with others as they struggle to hold true while being stigmatized or misunderstood by members and sometimes leaders in their own congregations;
We’ve wept as we’ve asked ourselves whether our loved ones’ choices — or our own — will leave an empty seat in our own family circle after this life;
Many of us even wonder whether the doctrine is right — or if it really has to be this way at all.

All of this is real.

My dear family and friends, with you I have grappled with these questions. I’ve learned a lot in my wrestle for the truth — more than I can share in one post — about things I know you want to talk about.

I know you want to talk about times in the past when the Church has changed its position — about plural marriage and ordaining people of African descent to the Priesthood.
I know you want to talk about handbook updates and BYU’s recent honor code changes.
I know you want to talk about statements made by Church leaders on these things over the years.
I know you want to talk doctrine.

All this is important. There’s so much polarization around these topics that even bringing them up feels like picking a fight. And that’s unfortunate, because they’re conversations we need to have. For many of us, as one community dedicated to LGB+ issues has put it, “it’s less about having the answers, and more about just engaging in the dialogue.”

And I want to go with you there —

— but not first. Not until we talk about something even more basic. More serious. A question I’m concerned about because of how infrequently I hear anyone addressing it head-on.

That question has everything to do with happiness — yours and mine:

Does the doctrine of the restored Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and the worldview that goes with it really promote the happiness of everyone —

— (including those who experience or elect to pursue feelings of same-sex attraction or gender dysphoria) —

— or are they just convenient blinders that make it easy for those who ‘fit the mold’ to close our eyes to bigotry and shame, while the rest of the world moves on without us?

I believe when we talk about all the other things, this is the issue we’re really talking around and trying to get at.

I believe that each individual in or connected to the Church has got to answer this question for her- or himself. Until we do, we can answer all the other questions and succeed at nothing but chasing our own tails.

As I’ve pondered this, it’s brought me a lot of clarity to cobble together a kind of ‘manifesto on happiness’ based what the Church teaches about this all-important subject. I hope it will help you, too:

Happiness: A Manifesto of Beliefs Based on the Doctrines and Teachings of the Restored Church of Jesus Christ.

We believe in happiness.
We believe in being happy, and we believe happiness is what everyone in the world is ultimately after. We believe happiness is what we are designed for, and that it is attainable by every person.
We believe the success or failure of individuals actually achieving happiness has to do, ultimately, not with chance but with how they choose to live in pursuit of it, and that this in turn depends on how they think about happiness.
We believe that all enduring happiness grows out of certain universal principles. Like laws of gravity, electricity, nuclear forces, or biology, the laws governing happiness can’t be undone or wished away — but they can be learned and applied to improve the well-being of individuals, communities, and nations.
We also recognize that ‘hygiene factors’ (bodily wellness, mental health, financial security, loving relationships, and opportunities for meaning, personal growth, and fun) do matter. Because we all face different starting points in terms of mind, body, and life circumstance, creating the right balance of these factors for a happy life demands a deep understanding of one’s own and others’ circumstances — plus inspiration, effort, and time.
We believe that getting priorities mixed up — treating these hygiene factors like they are happiness, instead of ingredients of happiness — leads to unhealthy attachment to specific outcomes, often to addiction (e.g., to money, power, sex, or chemical highs), and always to frustration and misery. On the other hand, we believe — and invite everyone to discover for themselves — that tempering human passions to serve the ultimate pursuit of happiness brings serenity and joy, even when some factors feel held back or stripped away. We believe the pursuit of happiness always eventually leads to God.
We recognize that men and women have an innate desire to be right with themselves, with God, and with others, and that doing wrong creates an emptiness we can’t fill by ourselves. We believe the voluntary sacrifice of God’s own Son makes it possible for Him to set right the injustices we’ve done and the unfairnesses we’ve suffered as though they never happened, and to remove the desire to do wrong in the future. As we allow Him to change us, we find the forgiveness, peace, and rest we need to be happy.
Finally, we believe God wants you and me and each one of us to be happy. We believe you can be happy; that whatever your individual pains, difficulties, or idiosyncrasies are, it’s worth it for you to try; and that you are worth it to God to help you succeed at it. And we believe that God expects us to help you, too.

This kind of happiness can’t be slopped up cafeteria-style at Sunday meetings in the form of blithe moral judgments.

Nor can it survive by squinting sidelong at realities like depression, psychological problems, addiction to drugs (or alcohol, or even unhealthy eating), a desperate longing for acceptance, the struggle to believe, or same-gender attraction.

These struggles are real — we all have something — and being blind about any of them is the shortest path to chronic and senseless misery. Rather, an honest pursuit of happiness demands we call out our naive assumptions about these things, expose the false notions we harbor, and confront reality for what it is.

Thus, Jesus Christ and His Restored Church approach this happiness as a kind of personal superpower —

— a sophisticated, personalized worldview and nuanced skill set for achieving joy, through a walk with God marked by unrelenting introspection and empathy —

— worth developing in ourselves and encouraging in those we love.

It is a model of life for all people.

How do these truths apply to tension between Church doctrine, same-sex attraction and gender dysphoria, and the positions of some in the LGB+ community?

My purpose here isn’t to dig into the nuances of Restoration theology — there will be other opportunities for that. But a recent statement from one of the Church’s senior leaders on the Church’s position on LGB+ issues puts the key points in a nutshell:

“God’s doctrine shows that all of us are His children and that He has created us to have joy. Modern revelation teaches that God has provided a plan for a mortal experience in which all can choose obedience to seek His highest blessings or make choices that lead to one of the less glorious kingdoms. Because of God’s great love for all of His children, those lesser kingdoms are still more wonderful than mortals can comprehend.”
“Because of that love, we cannot let our love supersede the commandments and the plan and work of God, which we know will bring those we love their greatest happiness.”
“That highest destiny is possible only through marriage for eternity. Eternal life includes the creative powers inherent in the combination of male and female.”

In other words, Latter-day Saints, uniquely among Christians, believe that happiness is the ultimate destiny of essentially all of God’s children, but that the brand of happiness He most wants for us depends on us developing the faith to follow His plan for family life — even when it means coping with impossibilities, including same-sex attraction and gender dysphoria.

I encourage you to stop and note the seeming paradoxes this raises:

Can we say this ‘plan for families’ is objectively ‘true?’ — for everyone?
Can God really adequately support a person in coping with or overcoming same-sex attraction, gender dysphoria, or other idiosyncrasies — or, in some cases, adequately compensate them, here and now, for simply “going without” in this life?

These questions are deeply personal, and they can only be found out by your own direct communication with God — they are questions you, and I, and each of God’s children, have to get answered for ourselves. That’s how it’s meant to be.

But when these questions are answered in the affirmative, they fundamentally change the way a person thinks and responds to questions around how gender identity should influence our choices in pursuit of happiness.

When I and most Latter-day Saints stand up for principles that are unpopular, or outdated — or even backward and seemingly hurtful — it’s not to cut those who disagree with us off from their search for happiness. Nor is it to block out disconfirming data that threaten a simplistic worldview.

(Actually, it forces us to dig deep. Face ourselves. Ask the hard questions.)

Rather, we insist on a particular moral standard because we have learned from our own experience that God does support us in these impossibilities…

…(even and especially impossibilities related to sex drives and relational longings)…

…and we have seen — or even know firsthand (in the case of members who have tried it both ways) — that living His standards really does build the happiest lives.

This is what we want most for ourselves and those we love.

I love you.

To my own friends and family members reading this: I know your life has been or will some day be touched by questions of same-sex attraction or gender dysphoria.

Whether it’s you or someone you love who goes through it, it’s equally real.

Please know that I have a conviction — from God — that the Church’s formula for happiness works. And no matter what, I want you to know you have a friend here.

It doesn’t have to be simple. Your story doesn’t have to ‘fit the mold.’ You don’t even have to be ‘okay.’ Whatever your story is, whatever decisions you’ve made or may ever choose to make — even if you choose a different path — I love you and I’ll support you in your life’s efforts any way I consistently can.

I’ll work to see you as you are, whatever that looks like.

I’ll try to love you unconditionally, as I know God does.

I’ll defend you against others, in and out of the Church, who, in the anguish of their own imperfect happiness, misguidedly brandish their own views as weapons to shame or manipulate you or those you love.

And because I love you, know also that I will never stop standing by the standard of happiness I know is available to you in His Church. Whatever happens, no matter what goes wrong, no matter who tries to offend you—no matter what — I want you to know: You will always have a friend here.

I want you to be happy.

Resources:

Leading Saints Podcast episodes:

Faith; Gender; Happiness: An open letter to my Latter-day Saint friends and family.

Mainstream conversations about the Church’s position on LGBTQIA+ issues seem to ask every question except the one that actually matters — this one:

Written by David Blen Nance